ANTONIA: What was your situation before pregnancy and the birth of your son two months ago? What was your life?

KALI: Right... I had a life, haha... What was my life? Teaching English as a foreign language to adults and working in the Museum of Technology here in Berlin in visitor service. And sometimes going out with friends and partying, but that's another life.

ANTONIA: Can you tell us a bit about the overall experience during pregnancy?

KALI: Pregnancy was an interesting experience. I was really, really happy to get pregnant. We tried and got pregnant really quick, so we had no problems with that. But I experienced a lot of side effects, like every side effect people talk about I think I had, like the heartburn and the swollen feet, swollen hands. Something happened to my ear from all the hormonal changes and extra fluid in my body, and now I have a form of tinnitus. I had carpal tunnel really bad in my one hand, and it went numb at the end of the pregnancy. And my belly got really. But there were no serious complications, just a lot of annoying side effects.
I got to stay home for most of the pregnancy. So that was really nice to just be with myself everyday, experiencing all of this.

ANTONIA: How did you feel about your changing body in general?

KALI: I liked being pregnant. Aside from the symptoms. I thought my body took it pretty well. And it felt really nice having a baby bump. I liked having a little treasure inside. I enjoyed buying maternity clothes and dressing for the situation. I thought it was something exciting to do.

ANTONIA: Did you discover any surprising emotions or something that you did not anticipate before? How was your emotional state?

KALI: Well, the mood swings. I feel like I always had mood swings with my periods. Pregnancy was similar to period hormones, just times a hundred. It was much more of an emotional rollercoaster. I did cry a lot at things. Watching TV shows that weren’t super sad would make me cry. I had short temper.
I felt really clingy and needy towards my partner. He went on a business trip while I was pregnant and I was freaking out when I couldn't get a hold of him — I was about to call the police! I became very protective of my family all of a sudden. It felt different.

ANTONIA: It already felt like a family even though your baby wasn’t born yet…

KALI: Yes. We named him when he was still in the womb. So we talked to him with his name. And that was like he was already real, he was already part of our family. 

ANTONIA: What kind of support did you have while you were pregnant? 

KALI: My partner first of all. Unfortunately I don't have any family here. They're all in Canada. I didn't need them to visit. But I did notice it would have been nicer to share the experience with my family. But once in a while friends would come by and it was just good to know that they were there. Or even on social media I had a lot of contact with other women who were old friends or who I went to school with and they were also pregnant or just had babies. So we would follow each other and share experiences and that was very helpful.

ANTONIA: Besides that what other support or reassurance did you find most comforting?

KALI: I was in therapy. Not because of the pregnancy, but I have a therapist. So I spoke to her a lot and that helped because she's also a mother. She could really understand my situation and help me through.
I mean actually just some of the girlfriends that I mentioned before…when I would look at their photos and see their babies and what they were going through, I could sort of visualize what I was about to go through. So that was helpful.

ANTONIA: When you say you shared experiences with other women how did it make you feel to see how other women do?

KALI: Well, that's a double-edged sword. It was good and bad. It was helpful to compare our experiences and see what they were going through and to know that it's probably normal what I'm going through. But then there are other cases where I had some pretty weird symptoms that no one else seemed to have. And then it felt like, what the hell, how come I have all these weird symptoms and they’re not even swelling or they seem totally fine?
And on the other hand, it was nice when we did have some of the exact same experiences and then I could validate what I was going through. So I guess it's good if you can relate to them, but it sucks if you feel like you’re the only one.
I also got pretty depressed at times and they all looked like they were living their best lives and posting their happy photos.

ANTONIA: What expectations did you have before you became pregnant and what changed while you were pregnant?

KALI: I guess you mostly see the positive aspects.

I expected that I would be out and just sharing my pregnancy glow with everyone. But I felt pretty antisocial, I didn't want to go places. I had zero energy.

They said in the second trimester, it was so much better, but it was still not that much energy. It took a lot out of me physically and I was really tired all the time and didn’t feel like I wanted to be out in public places. At times it was a very isolating experience, too. I felt afraid of everything - all of the things that could potentially harm me or my baby - it was pretty overwhelming. 

ANTONIA: Is there anything you would want to share with newly pregnant women or new moms?

KALI: Yeah, I would advise them to think about what comes after pregnancy in terms of taking care of themselves and setting realistic expectations with breastfeeding and similar issues because I didn’t consider any of that. It was a big surprise when those things didn’t work out right away. I thought it would just happen naturally, and I wouldn’t have to worry about it. I didn’t even know what my options were. What if you can’t breastfeed right away? What if the baby isn’t latching properly? What are the alternatives? I didn’t think about any of that, and I didn’t even know what a lactation consultant was. Some pregnant women see them before having their babies. So, it would have been helpful to look into things like that before giving birth.
And also the birth itself, I don't think anyone can prepare you for it. But I also don't think I prepared enough for that in terms of coping mechanisms and breathing.

ANTONIA: How did you prepare?

KALI: Well, I did go to a course, a partner course. And we practiced some breathing and positions and whatnot. But I don't think I was prepared mentally for how long it could take and what it actually feels like. Because being in labor for over 30 hours is really intense and I don't think I was mentally prepared for that. When the contractions hit, I was like, what the fuck is happening? I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn’t.

ANTONIA: Do you want to talk a bit more about the birth?

KALI: It was long. And it was not how I envisioned it. One friend of mine said her birth was amazing. I thought oh, that's so cool. Like your birth went really well and you loved it. That means my birth can also be amazing. And then from the very start, it wasn’t amazing. And I was a little bit pissed and felt betrayed. Why did she say it was amazing? This is horrible. It was horrible because they sent us back home from the hospital after waiting there all night. When we came back to the hospital the contractions had started so early and there was nothing to make them feel better as the labor progressed. So it was just torture for hours.
I’d like to clarify, that the birth itself wasn’t horrible. It was just not what I had expected. It was very intense. Horrible is a negative word, this wasn’t negative. Just extremely difficult to go through.
I would recommend making a playlist, a birthing playlist, because that was one thing that made the situation more comfortable. Having your own music and your own lighting and some essential oils. Setting the mood. That helped, because we were in the hospital overnight and that made everything sort of chill and nice. Leading up to the birth, it actually got better. The first night and day of labor was the worst; getting through contractions, going home, coming back , waiting for a room.
But then the night before he was born, because he was born in the morning, all the intense energy got brought down again. And it was really special. So, not horrible. Just intense.

ANTONIA: Did you learn anything from the birth, or did it teach you anything?

KALI: I guess with expectations, we had a birth plan, and we filled out all these things that we thought we wanted or didn't want. And the midwives were really great. They always referred to the birth plan. But they also knew that, I guess a lot of people in the moment change their minds about certain things.
So, for example, we didn't want to see the placenta. We wrote on the birth plan, don't show it to us. Mainly because we were afraid my partner would faint from the sight of blood. But right after the birth, they kind of were like, okay, look up, we have your placenta. And I was like, oh no, and they go, just look at it. And then we looked at it, and even my partner looked at it, and it was really cool, and not disgusting at all, and he didn’t faint. So that added to the experience.
And then the umbilical cord, my partner didn't want to cut it and then it was put in front of us, and somebody had to cut it, and my hands were holding our baby. So I was like, well, you have to do it. And he then he cut it. So all these things that you think, oh, I don't want that, or that's gross, or it's not for us, in the moment it's completely different.
When our baby was crowning, the midwife took my hand to touch his head, and I was like, what are you doing? She's like, you touch, it's his head. And I said, no. And then she made me touch his head anyway. And I still remember the feeling. It was the most surreal, out of this world feeling to touch a human head coming out of my body. In the moment I protested, but I did it anyway, and it helped me get through the last few minutes or how every long it took. 
And I thought I could go pretty long without any pain intervention, but I immediately wanted an epidural when I arrived at the hospital.
Even after the birth, things like stigmas around feeding and soothing your baby. Formula or pacifiers are things that some people don't want for their baby. But for us, our baby ended up in intensive care and we didn’t have a say in the matter of him receiving formula and had to follow protocol. You just do whatever you have to do to make your baby feel better in the moment.
Lots of lessons.

ANTONIA: Do you feel like you changed as a person in the pregnancy or maybe afterwards?

KALI: I'm going to say yes. I'm not quite sure how. Other people told me I changed. For example I recently had a video call with my aunt and she was just looking at me and said, you are very different now. Like something in you has changed. It's amazing.
And after the pregnancy, I remember I took a selfie at six in the morning of me and my son, and I sent it to a friend and he just said, oh, you look so calm and happy and content and different, but good different.

ANTONIA: This is more other people's perception. What about your own?

KALI: Well, it is. I mean, I'm still me. I don't think I've changed that much. But when other people say these things, it makes me look at myself again and think, oh, maybe they're right. Priorities change for sure. How you see yourself changes.

I guess, you don't really see yourself that much anymore at all, because you're always seeing your child and the situation in front of you. But I'm definitely more content with just simple things now.

Everything is so simple. I mean, if you knew me before, I was pretty wild and liked to party. I think even with self image, I would always put on a bit of makeup every day before I was pregnant. Always mascara, some under eye concealer. And I liked to do something with my hair and have my nails done and just little things. But I always looked put together. And at some point in the pregnancy, I stopped wearing makeup and, you know, shaving and waxing and all that stuff. And after a while, I actually liked how I looked better without makeup. And now with my baby, I don't feel the need to put on any makeup. I see myself differently. I like how I feel without it all. Not like I was really done up before, but I didn't want to go out if I didn't have mascara on. And now I don't remember the last time I put on mascara and it's totally fine. 

ANTONIA: How did your perspective on your body and its capabilities change in pregnancy and maybe afterwards?

KALI: The female body is definitely an insane wonder of a thing. This girlfriend of mine, who was a few months pregnant ahead of me was saying how the body is so amazing. Wait till you see what it can do. And because she got her big belly before I did, I was just kind of watching her grow. And then when it started happening to me, it was like, holy shit, that's really something. This is insane. It's very cool looking at pictures of yourself getting bigger and bigger and then there’s nothing left but this line on the belly. It's pretty amazing how the body recovers and returns to its previous state. 

ANTONIA: How do you feel about it regarding giving birth?

KALI: I still don't understand birth. In my head it still doesn't make sense that this human can come out of you and you just go back to how you were. Physically it's still really unbelievable. But it also just happens. You don't actually have to do much. It will happen no matter what. If you're going to give birth, the baby will come out. Which is cool because when you think you can't push anymore somehow it makes it out. So there's definitely some crazy things happening in the body.

ANTONIA: Does it make you stronger to know that you gave birth to a person?

KALI: For sure. It’s super badass. Like yeah, I did that.

ANTONIA: Can you share a memory or an experience that made you feel connected to your growing baby while being pregnant still? Do you remember anything?

KALI: Let me think. It's also hard to think when you're so tired. I'm really trying. Memories. In the third trimester or maybe even in the second trimester we got a book. The Never Ending Story. And my partner started reading to both of us at night. And the baby would be kicking in my belly, while my partner was reading. Those moments were always really special. Because it really felt like he was listening to the story. We were already a family.
I know there were also a few moments when, I don't know, I would get really upset and I'm crying and feeling overwhelmed. And then I would stop myself and try to calm down because I could feel, oh no, I'm going to stress out my baby. And I don't want to do that. And I would apologize to him all the time. Like, oh I’m so sorry that I just freaked out and mommy was just overwhelmed and everything's fine. Don't get messed up from me. So yeah, I guess just that protective instinct already started showing itself in the pregnancy.

ANTONIA: How would you say the relationship between you and your partner changed? What influence did the pregnancy and the birth of your son have?

KALI: I mean good and bad influences, I guess. Family and our son are now the most important things. When we fight, which we do a lot these days because stress, tired, whatever, even in the pregnancy, we would make up really fast. So we argue about something and then ten minutes later we're making up. Everything's fine now. We just get over things a lot quicker. I mean we’ve always been good at that, but now it's another level of we have to get over whatever is bothering us and just be better people for him.
Our lifestyle has changed a lot, no drinking, no going out, partying or anything. And it would be a boring life, just staying home all the time and waking up and eating and sleeping and doing all these basic things, but now we find these really nice little moments and can enjoy a slower lifestyle. I never saw that happening for us before. It's nice. It's really nice. Even now it's like “Ooh it’s bath time! We're going to the bath. This is amazing. Big night!”

ANTONIA: Big night in.

KALI: Big night in. Taking a bath. Yeah. So I mean we're super supportive of each other even though at times we want to kill each other. There are bigger things now I guess.

ANTONIA: How do you feel about going through the birth together?

KALI: Oh the birth was really, I will say that was amazing because he was in the room the whole time and I know he cried when our baby was born. I didn't even cry. I was more in shock, but he was super emotional. So seeing him be that emotional was for me somehow even more special.
He had an instant connection to our son. I was not instantly connected to him, I have to say. It was almost like an alien. I was just really tired and you know on pain medication and just exhausted. But my partner was I think more... maybe seeing it happen is different than when you're actually giving birth. So for him it was a whole different experience watching his son being born.
But yeah during the entire labor and birth we were together and I am really grateful for that. My partner was better prepared for it than I was. So that was helpful.
He knew all the stages and was timing contractions and like okay here now you’re gonna get on the ball or you're gonna get on the mat or here's your pillow and you need to hydrate. He was amazing. He was a good birthing partner for sure. If I didn't have him I would have definitely needed a professional doula or a coach but he was really good at that. And now he's the best dad.

ANTONIA: How was, I mean you’re still in it I guess but how was / is postpartum for you?

KALI: Harder than the pregnancy for sure. Now pregnancy looks like a dream. Even though I had all those symptoms and I couldn't wait to not be pregnant anymore. Now I'm looking back at it like oh wow — that was such a beautiful time. Really the grass is always greener.
The first week postpartum was spent in the hospital and that was probably the most challenging week of my life. I don't think I slept at all and I was alone with our baby at night and he was sick and it was not good. That was not at all what I expected.
The day they told us we were allowed to go home that’s when I cried with joy. And I was happier than at the birth because we could finally go home and be a family.
But after those oxytocin hormones wore off it was hard again. That first week at home was a mix of bliss and “oh my god what have we done? Why do we have a baby? I can’t do this." That was the biggest surprise: I never knew I could be that tired - and I thought I knew being tired from other experiences not sleeping - but this was a different level of exhaustion. I would close my eyes and mini sleep for 20 seconds and then wake up again and be like why am I awake? I don't want to be here.
We had difficulties with breastfeeding. We had difficulties with everything and had a late start bonding. I didn't have the postpartum care that I needed in the hospital. There was only care for our baby. So I got my care a week later and in those first seven days, it’s so important for your body to rest. You're obviously bleeding a lot and you're hurting. I had a lot of physical pain. I just felt like there was nobody taking care of me. That was probably the worst part. I remember feeling super alone. The doctor told us right before she discharged us from the hospital something like, „you become a mother really fast. Once the baby is born you don't matter anymore, this is your life now.“ And I think that was really accurate. It didn't matter that I hurt and I was tired. Only one thing matters now and that was I think difficult to accept.
And then there's the depression that comes along with it too, postpartum depression. I definitely felt that. You're mentally depressed but it doesn't matter. You have to take care of your baby and there were times where I just wanted to be alone. I think that's normal too. All I wanted was to crawl into my bed sleep for a few days. So it's important to have a partner who's not going through that because then they pick up the slack and can be a little bit more clear headed in the situation. It takes a lot out of you emotionally and I don't think I've ever cried so much in my entire life. Those first three weeks I'd say.
But there were also really nice moments too where you're like oh my god the baby farted. Why is it farting so much? I didn't know this happenes. And it’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. 

ANTONIA: Is there anything you would wish people would have done or said to you in those first days or weeks?

KALI: I mean one friend did say to me the fourth day is the hardest. Like all of a sudden you might find yourself feeling really really down. So I did know that it was coming. I just didn't know that it could last so long. There's a lot of expectations and opinions. I couldn’t breastfeed my baby until he was full and happy.

I had to pump and give him a bottle too, which made me feel like I was failing already as a mother or I am not cut out to be a mother — and it's so not the case but in the moment you feel like the worst person in the entire world.

You just shame yourself. I guess it would be nice to hear more about those stories and less than perfect experiences so you don't feel totally alone and shitty in those moments.
Also dealing with a newborn who's sick is heartbreaking and the birthing course never talked about that. Like what to do if everything goes wrong. How to deal with that because hospitals are a weird place to go through your postpartum time. Once you leave the maternity ward and enter the NICU, the doctors only care about the baby and not the mother who just gave birth.

ANTONIA: You decided that you didn't want to see visitors at the beginning. Is it still something that you would do like this again or would you think that maybe it would have been easier otherwise?

KALI: I think it was good that we had the four weeks to bond as a family without visitors. But it definitely would have helped to have a little more contact with people, maybe with friends. Actually the first visitors we had were friends, not family and that was a nice light start into visitors. I would have probably invited my mom to come a bit sooner because it helps to have another person there just to hold the baby or do the laundry or other stuff. That would have been helpful for sure. It just adds another layer of stress when nobody else is there. I think my mom came a month and a half later. More outside support would have definitely be good.

ANTONIA: How has the idea of becoming a parent affected your sense of self or identity?

KALI: I don't know yet. It's still too soon. I mean the things that I used to do that made me happy like planting flowers on the balcony, taking care of my plants, maybe baking...even cleaning the apartment...all these little things that I would just do. Things that made me feel calm I can no longer do as often. I guess you have to find other ways to feel calm and happy and at peace. So I'm still figuring out how to do that, because there doesn’t seem to be time for anything.

ANTONIA: Can you describe a moment when the reality of becoming a parent really hit you?

KALI: When our baby was taken away because he had an infection and all of a sudden we had to take care of him. When I moved into a shared room with him. All of a sudden I was alone with my baby for the first time but he needed extra care and I didn't know how to give him that. I didn't even know how to change a diaper, let alone take his temperature and keep him comfortable with wires and sensors all over his body. That was terrifying. And I really relied on my partner then, because I hadn’t recovered from the birth yet. I think it was more of a dire situation. There was one night in the hospital when he wouldn't stop screaming and I just didn't know what to do to make him stop screaming. I was running through the halls trying to get a night nurse to come and help. My night nurse was busy and another nurse saw me and said just go and calm your baby. And I was like how? She's like: hold it. I was like oh okay, hold the baby just hold the baby... I just didn't know how to calm him.

ANTONIA: Did it help?

KALI: It did. I just held him in the bed and rocked him a little bit and it definitely helped. He just wanted to be held. But I was only thinking of the diaper change, feeding, pumping, schedule. That's what they do in a hospital so If there hadn't been complications after the birth I would have definitely rather been at home. If I'd were to give birth again, I would want to go home sooner. But sometimes it's not possible.

ANTONIA: Do you have any thoughts on the current representation of motherhood or pregnancy?

KALI: I guess there's a lot of mothers on the go and working moms and these shows and advertisements where they make it look really easy to be a mom. And so far it’s not that easy.

I guess there's a little bit of pressure to have your baby and then go back to your life and maybe for some women that works but for me it’s been a really long adjustment period.

Even just going to an appointment is stressful and I don't know how these other parents just put the baby in a carrier and go for a coffee date. I just can't do that yet so it kind of looks easy and fun and it's not like that.

ANTONIA: How would you like it to be or to change?

KALI: Well I mean I would love to be like that...but I guess how I see motherhood being portrayed. Maybe just more of the quiet lonely moments that mothers experience. Because it's really lonely. Even with a partner it's still lonely. The quieter moments at home take up much more time than the moments out in public for me right now. Though I'm sure in a few months I'll be doing everything with my baby strapped to me. 

ANTONIA: What are the moments of highs and lows?

KALI: Whenever my son learns to do a new thing or just changes a little bit, that's definitely a high, like, “oh look our little human is evolving!" That's a high.
Lows... there are many lows. Moments where you're doubting yourself and your abilities. I think every parent has moments where they feel like they don't know what they're doing and they can't please their baby or their child - like what's happening, what am I doing wrong? How come I'm not getting enough done in the day? Any moment where I feel like a failure.
When you see all the hard work you put in and this child is developing then it’s the opposite. It's an accomplishment and you feel high. So it's success and failure on a daily basis. Although no one’s really failing it's just moments of exhaustion and not knowing what the right thing to do is but you always figure it out somehow.

ANTONIA: And the pregnancy? Do you remember any highs and lows in the pregnancy?

KALI: I remember towards the end they estimated that our baby could be overweight and that was ...

ANTONIA: How much was he?

KALI: He was 3.940 kg, he wasn't a huge baby but they made it sound like he might have to come out early. That he's going to get too big. And I was thinking what does that even mean? I was talking to so many people at that point about estimated birth weights and whether it's ever accurate - and it's not that often. But it's still enough to freak you out, which is so unnecessary. That was a little bit of a low. 
And highs I guess there were many highs. Every ultrasound was a high. Getting any information at all about our baby was always a high. Watching my belly grow was always a little high.

ANTONIA: I think you already answered what you would say to newly pregnant women but maybe is there something that you would wish would have been different in your pregnancy?

KALI: I do wish that I... I did enjoy it but I wish I enjoyed it more because there were so many things to complain about all the time and when I look back at it, it was so much easier than taking care of a baby so just enjoying moments and not getting too worked up over swollen feet.

ANTONIA: I think there are so many more questions on my list but to come to an end: how would you finish that sentence: nobody told me...

KALI: I guess nobody told me how challenging everything after the birth could be because I just figured that stuff would all fall into place.

ANTONIA: Anything you want to add?

KALI: It’s not true that your own baby’s poo doesn’t bother you. It did make me gag a few times. It can really smell bad. But it is true that you can deal with your own baby’s cries a lot better than other babies. You can tune it out. It sounds horrible from the outside but when you're in it, it's the least of your worries because it's your baby.

ANTONIA: …at the same time it breaks your heart.

KALI: It does break your heart but I mean like when other people's babies are screaming it's annoying and when your baby is screaming you just want to make it feel better.
Also you can accomplish a lot on very little sleep and your body can adjust to any lack of sleep that you have. Even if you only sleep for four hours that's actually really good and better than zero. Your body can always adjust even in the exhausting postpartum weeks when you think how can I function on so little sleep, and somehow you can. It’s amazing what you can do when you have no other choice. 

ANTONIA: I have one more question: in the pregnancy were there any moments of doubt what's coming or about the journey you were on?

KALI: Yeah for sure. Lots of moments. I wanted to be pregnant but I didn't think it through to giving birth and then actually having a baby. And that you're going to have this child for the rest of your life. It was all just like I'm pregnant yay and everything that comes after was like oh my god is this what I really wanted? And I think that keeps happening. There are always moments where I'm like okay just so we're clear this baby's with us now forever. He is going to keep growing with us and we're responsible for him. 
And then I worry am I ever going to have my own life back? There are definitely moments of doubt with that and it starts in the pregnancy because all of a sudden you can't go out and do what you used to do. I don't know...it just changes, everything is focused on this one thing and your own goals or you know your own journey just sort of either stops or changes. There are still doubts but I think it’s more exciting now knowing that whatever happens it's okay because he's here now and I think I needed him more than I ever realized.

ANTONIA: Is there anything that would maybe help you to feel more yourself or more like an individual.

KALI: Having a hobby would be good. So even if it’s just writing some thoughts down or editing photos, or just doing something creative. There's not much time to do that stuff now. So even if I can find five minutes to make something or fix something or use my brain and my hands in a way that brings me back to my old self. Other things that with a baby you don't really get to do so much. I think it'll be good in the coming months to focus on those little moments even more so, on anything that used to make me happy.
If I can find time to do it now, even just for five minutes, it makes me feel like an individual again and not like a morphing blob of mother baby.
I planted some flowers the other day and it was like my hands are in dirt and my baby's inside and I'm just doing what I used to do and it’s nice.

ANTONIA: It's really nice... like you said like the small things now. 

KALI: Yesterday my partner took him for a walk for the first time alone so I could pump in peace and I was so excited that I had fifteen minutes to play music really loud and not be worried about the baby or anything else. It was great. It felt like it was Friday night and I was getting ready to go out or something.

Kali is wearing the Rave Pants in Black Beauty
Interview & Text: Antonia Pahlke
Photos: Marina Hoppmann